USCockWingsUSA

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USCockWingsUSA, the ONLY place for flying gear that's 100% Authentically Certified to be Made In The USA! Every jacket* comes with a Certificate of Authenticity that certifies it has been Authentically Made In The USA! What more guarantee of 100% Authentic Flight Jackets can you ask for than "Made In The USA"? Here is Our Pledge To You: We will authentically make our Flight Jackets IN THE ACTUAL USA to 100% Standards of Made in the USA Authenticity! Show your Pride in the USA by ONLY EVER buying flying gear from USCockWingsUSA!
*Some products, including all jackets priced under $600, made and/or assembled in China, Indonesia, Bangladesh, North Korea, or by private prison labor.

 

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I want a USCockWingsUSA A-2 that's the Swiss Army Knife of A-2s...the jacket equivalent of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from National Lampoon's Vacation. What would it look like? What would it be made out of? How would it fit? What features would it have? What features would it deliberately leave out?

 

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some ideas:

• removable mouton collar
• money epaulets
• plug-ins for USB, mp3, headphones, charger
• snap-zip-and-velcro-out winter liners with choice of thinsulate, polar fleece, or hypo-allergenic wool pile
• no less than 24 pockets including pen, pencil, gun, knife, ammo clip, iPhone, glucose meter, sunglasses, other glasses, ticket, passport, change, condom, first aid kit, snack, insulated beverage, glove, handwarmer (electric heating optional), hidden, mystery, and useless mesh/velcro pockets, plus optional Blood Chit pocket (big & sturdy enough for a standard notebook computer)
• integral ripstop-nylon fold-out fanny pack, including day-of-the-week medication pouch
• hook & eye fastened expansion gussets
• secret underarm mesh panels so you don't stank
• storage pouch under collar for inflatable neck pillow or optional aluminized spandex skull cap (guaranteed to block CIA mind reading frequencies)
• lining choice of rayon satin, microfiber, nylon mesh, 2-layer wicking, or glow-in-dark night safety lining (traditional brown cotton lining add $100.00)
• any liner may be printed with a choice of 12 designs including jungle camo, Marine type jungle camo, Mount Rushmore, Flag Raising on Iwo Jima, Declaration of Independence, The Bell Curve, Eagles on Harleys, Flagstravaganza, Flagstravaganza w/Talking Trump Heads, God Creates John Wayne, Shirtless Putin, or Nixon Meets Elvis
• Kevlar armor pouches optional
• choice of lambskin, deerskin, kangaroo, battle cattle, Bolivian mountain boar, or genuine imitation elephant (goatskin add $200.00) (horsehide add $400.00)
• finished in distressed, pebble grained, oil-pull, fire retardant, antibacterial, or nubuc (traditional smooth grain finish add $200.00)
• in regulation seal brown, dark seal brown, very dark seal brown, Navy SEAL brown, non-specular stealth seal brown, or jungle camo (traditional russet brown add $300.00 and allow 9 months back order)

 

[MeachamLake]

Have you been drinking Eastman Liquid Leather again zoomer?

 

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I only drink Lexol. Nothing goes down smoother!

 

[dmar836]

Great rant! I actually laughed out loud. That’s rare from the web.
Dave

 

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Each jacket includes a large embroidered tag (doubling as a pocket) certifying that This Is A Genuine Type A-2 Flight Jacket, detailing the history of the A-2 back to the very first contract (awarded to USCockWingsUSA in 1931) and showing a picture of what one ought to look like (because you would never be able to tell from looking at this jacket).

Also, all zips, snaps, hooks, eyes, velcros, gussets and epaulets are strategically placed to allow the A-2 to be converted into a TSA-approved carry-on bag in less than 2 minutes! (Note: Always remove guns, ammo, knives, beverages, laptop, and Kevlar before entering airport security zones.)

 

[Monsoon]

...the jacket equivalent of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from National Lampoon's Vacation.
View attachment 8386

"If you think hate it now, wait until you've driven it."

 

[Dover]

Thanks zoomer I needed that! lol

 

[silvio76]

I want a USCockWingsUSA A-2 that's the Swiss Army Knife of A-2s...the jacket equivalent of the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from National Lampoon's Vacation. What would it look like? What would it be made out of? How would it fit? What features would it have? What features would it deliberately leave out?
View attachment 8386

I have few Cockpit jackets, but this is fantaatic joke.

 

[zoomer]

Any US Wings? (I have an Indy.)

 

[silvio76]

Any US Wings? (I have an Indy.)

No, do not have US Wings jacket.

 

[Smithy]

That whole post is pure gold but the linings bit especially and the Bolivian mountain bear had me in stitches

 

[Cocker]

Dang, that was a great laugh, you made my morning!

 

[Greg Gale]

Sign me up for one with "MURCA" painted on the back!

Hilarious post, Zoomer. I imagined the ad for these, and I could hear Denis Leary's song in the background :

 

[Brent]

That's some funny $h!t right there.

Regards,

 

[zoomer]

Sign me up for one with "MURCA" painted on the back!

Hilarious post, Zoomer. I imagined the ad for these, and I could hear Denis Leary's song in the background :

YESSSS!!!!

 

[zoomer]

Late News! This satire has been BANNED from Facebook’s A-2 Jacket Appreciation Society!!!

 

[MeachamLake]

Late News! This satire has been BANNED from Facebook’s A-2 Jacket Appreciation Society!!!

OUTRAGEOUS! Run by a bunch of filthy European COMMUNISTS, most likely! They've been ramming that Eastman and Aero garbage down our throats for years. All trash. Don't even get me started on that Japanese junk. REAL A-2s are proudly made by CockWings in the USA from FREEDOM GOATSKIN™ with patented AUTHENTIC HANDWARMER POCKETS.

 

[silvio76]

I only drink Lexol. Nothing goes down smoother!

I prefer mink oil. Better taste.